This week’s video:
Ever noticed how some arguments seem to come back like a bad sequel?
You think you’ve dealt with them. You think you’ve won them. You might even think you’ve resolved them. Then three weeks later, there they are again, sitting on your sofa and helping themselves to your biscuits.
The problem is often not that the argument hasn’t been solved. It’s that it hasn’t been defined properly.
This week’s theme is simple: Define your argument better.
Word of the Week
Definition
A definition tells us what something is. But it also tells us what it isn’t. That’s why definitions matter so much.
Take the word success.
Is success making lots of money? Having freedom? Being respected? Having time for your family? Doing something you enjoy? Not having to answer emails at 11pm?
There’s no one correct answer.
But if you don’t know which definition you’re working with, you can spend years chasing someone else’s version.
The same thing happens with words like ambition, freedom, respect, happiness, failure, confidence and love.
Big abstract words. Small definitions.
“You don’t have any ambition!” usually means, “You don’t have the same ambitions as me.” It’s not fair, and it won’t do.
Take the time to agree on the definitions and maybe the argument never happens.
Cliché of the Week
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
Sometimes it feels like the only way to end a cyclical argument that’s spiralled out of control.
But it’s really just the coward’s way out. That argument is now parked, waiting to re-emerge at the earliest opportunity.
How about let’s not agree to disagree? How about let’s agree to think about this and come back to it when we’ve got a clear head and a bit of perspective?
Cliches are empty expressions. Placeholders where original thought should be.
If you must say ‘let’s agree to disagree’, at least inject some honesty into it and say, “Let’s agree to disagree for now, like the big, uninformed procrastinators we are. We’ll do better with this next time.”
Question of the Week
What problem am I actually trying to solve?
Probably one of the most useful questions I know. Because your first stab at defining a problem is often just the headline.
A business owner says:
“I need more customers.”
Maybe. Or maybe they need better pricing. Or better retention. Or a better product.
Or fewer customers who never pay on time.
A student says:
“I’m bad at exams.”
Perhaps. Or are they just bad at revision. Or planning. Or sleep.
Or good at messing about on TikTok when they should be working.
The first description of a problem is often like clickbait. Catchy. But incomplete.
The Long Truth starts when we get specific. And honest.
The Long Truth Method
Short Truth
“Why do we keep having the same argument about money?”
Structural Truth
What exactly does “money” mean? Define it better.
Income? Spending? Saving? Financial risk? Control? Security?
Different people often use the same word while talking about completely different things.
Look at the context of the argument. What sparked it? That’s your definition of money for now.
Personal Truth
What part of this problem am I contributing to?
Am I making assumptions?
Am I avoiding difficult conversations?
Am I expressing frustration instead of explaining my concerns?
Have I clearly explained what I actually want?
Long Truth
The argument may not be about money at all.
One partner may be worried about security. The other may want freedom.
One may feel ignored. The other may feel controlled.
The visible argument concerns spending, but the underlying disagreement concerns values, priorities and expectations.
The word “money” becomes shorthand for a much larger conversation.
Long Solution
Stop debating the symptom. Define the problem more accurately.
Instead of:
“We keep arguing about money.”
Try:
“We’re struggling to agree on how much financial risk we’re comfortable taking.”
Or:
“We have different ideas about what financial security means.”
Or:
“We’re arguing about who should make major financial decisions.”
The more precisely the problem is defined, the easier it becomes to solve.
Final Thought
Most people spend a lot of time trying to win arguments.
The Long Truth asks a different question:
Have you defined the argument properly in the first place?
Because when the definition improves, the solution often gets a lot closer.
And sometimes the argument you thought you were having turns out not to be the argument at all.
See you next week.
Communication is an art, and a positive response is always a great start☺️