A few years ago I realised that I’d got myself into the most almighty rut.
I was single. My social life revolved around the same small group of friends. We did the same thing every week, more or less. Went to the same places. Had the same conversations. Probably had the same thoughts.
The formula had served us well for a number of years, so why change it?
Why? Because I was BORED!
I wanted to meet new people. Do new things. Have new thoughts. Maybe get a new relationship. Have holidays in different places.
I yearned for change. But I also didn’t want to abandon my friends. These were good people. I still liked them. They accepted me for me.
But the reality was - they were holding me back.
Something had to change.
Word of the Week: Comfort
Nice word, comfort.
We all want it. It implies something warm and familiar and safe.
But comfort, would you believe, has a dark side too.
Comfort is the place where ambition goes to die.
Nobody wakes up one morning and decides to abandon their dreams. More often, they gradually exchange challenge for comfort. They spend time with people who reassure them that their current situation is perfectly fine. Their frustrations become jokes. Their disappointments become personality traits.
And before they know it, ten years have passed.
Comfort is fine for a sofa. Or a cardigan.
It’s a terrible - terrible - terrible!! - strategy for life.
Cliché of the Week: “Your friends accept you for who you are.”
Which goes a long way towards why they’re your friends. But should they?
The modern world worships acceptance. We are constantly told to accept ourselves exactly as we are. ‘You do you!’ as the muppet influencers say.
Yet every meaningful achievement begins with rejecting something about your current situation.
You don’t lose weight because you accepted your fitness.
You don’t change careers because you accepted your work.
You don’t improve your relationships because you accepted how you communicate.
The best influences in your life don’t simply accept you. They challenge you.
They ask difficult questions. They expect more from you. They make excuses harder to believe.
Sometimes the people who “accept you for who you are” are really just trapping you in that same old - unchallenging, unchanging - version of yourself.
Question of the Week: ‘Are My Friends Holding Me Back?’
As always, let’s run it through the Long Truth Method and put some helpful definitions onto this statement.
1. The Short Truth
My friends are holding me back.
OK, that might be how it feels. But you’ve made some big assumptions there.
Let’s start off by finding out what it is they’re holding you back from.
And having done so, let’s try to find out whether they are, in fact, the cause of you being held back.
And if they are, let’s consider just what you can do about it.
2. The Structural Truth
OK, so they’re holding you back. Holding you back from what?
More money?
A better relationship?
Starting a business?
Writing a book?
If you can’t define the destination, you can’t identify the obstacle. You need to be way more specific about what you wish was different in your life. Then you can look again at the role your friends might be playing in (unintentionally) keeping you back from that target. If, indeed, they really are.
3. The Personal Truth
The reality is, your friends don’t control your choices.
You choose who you spend time with. You choose what advice you listen to. Ultimately, you choose whether to stay where you are - or change.
And this is the crucial bit.
If the advice and opinions of your friends holds you back from challenging yourself, you owe it to yourself to stop involving them in your decision making processes.
It doesn’t mean you have to cut them off altogether.
It does mean you need to get advice and influences from less biased, more challenging sources.
Remember comfort? Comfort never split the atom.
4. The Long Truth
Most friendships are not malicious. Your friends aren’t secretly plotting your failure. But people do naturally protect the status quo.
How many times did a so-called good friend plant negative thoughts about your new partner, claiming to be ‘just looking out for you’? Only later, on reflection, did you suspect that all along there wasn’t really a problem. They just didn’t want to be the one left on the shelf, without a drinking mate to hang out with.
Most people have what we call Tall Poppy Syndrome. They don’t want to see their contemporaries thrive - in a career, a relationship, or just life in general - if it means they get left behind. So they snip away at the growing friend. Plant seeds of doubt. Question if it’s the right choice. They reinforce the status quo option, in the hope of keeping you back to stay at their level.
Because let’s face it, what happens if you do change? That forces them to think about changing too. That’s uncomfortable. So they may discourage your risks, mock your ambitions, or remind you to “be realistic.”
I’m not saying that your friends are bad people. If they were, you wouldn’t hang out with them.
But do they really (always) encourage to pursue the life you actually want?
5. The Long Solution
Stop assuming that your friends are always your best source of advice. Especially where change is concerned.
Start asking whether your friendships are helping you become the person you want to be.
You don’t necessarily need new friends. But you may need different conversations. Different expectations. Different standards.
And perhaps less time seeking approval or endorsement from people who have no intention of following the path you’re trying to walk.
Final Thought
One of the great anomalies of modern life is that we should carefully choose our careers, our partners, our homes and our investments—but never question our friendships.
Why not?
If you become the average of the people around you, then your social circle may not be just a collection of friends.
It’ll become the definition of you - and the forecast of your future.
Choose accordingly, my friend!
You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family. Sometimes, the biggest emotional drain comes from your own family holding you back, not your friends😅